You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
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