Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I party with great urgency now.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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