she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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