when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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