Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
