Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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