shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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