i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
