I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
