Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
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