that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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