Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
