I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
