strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
did you just send me my own nude
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Randomize
