Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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