Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Randomize