I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
