I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
