Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
