i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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