she was so not down for the gang bang
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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