It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
