i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
