but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
