So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
