I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
