Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
