The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
