Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
