He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
