i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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