Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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