tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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