Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
