your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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