My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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