I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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