Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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