Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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