I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize