a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
