U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize