hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
