There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Sext me about skeletons
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
