I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
