And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
