O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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