i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
