I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
