Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize