i already hear my dad disowning me
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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