I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize