...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Enjoy the penises
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
