I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
