ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
