I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
