Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
